Thursday, 10 December 2015

Sorry To Hear A Sorry!







“We are Sorry to keep you waiting”….. “Your call is important for us”…… One of our Customer Support Executive will respond to you soon”

“We are sorry to keep you waiting…………………………………………………..”
Repeat “We are Sorry …………………………”
Repeat “We are Sorry …………………………”
Repeat “We are Sorry …………………………”
Repeat 100 times” We are Sorry ……..”



Finally, a voice. “Hi, I am Rocky, your Customer Support Executive”. How may I assist you today?

Me: I am not able to receive or make any calls and SMS from my mobile No. 98********.

He: I am sorry to hear that. Let me help you with this.

Me: I will be delighted.

He (Mumbling): Not so soon sir! (Perhaps he has a devilish smile on his face at the other end of the phone). I am sorry to inform you that our system is unable to identify you as our customer.

Me: Why?

He: I am sorry Sir. But you are not calling from the mobile No. 98******** for which you want to register a complaint. Actually you must call from the same number for which you have a complaint.

Me: I told you that the number is not working. I am not able to make any calls from that number. Hence I am using my landline to call you.

He: Sorry to know that, sir. But again sorry to inform you that to get any help from us you must call us from that number only.

Me: (Raising my voice) Come on. How is that possible? I already told you that the number isn’t working. And this call now is exactly about this.

He:  Sorry to hear that Sir. But sorry to inform that as per our company policy unless you call from the same number, we can not identify you as a legitimate owner of that number.

Me: This is weird. How can you be so stupi-…… Okay, okay. Why don’t you identify me with my details…. That mother’s maiden name thingy and all?

He: I am sorry sir for the inconvenience. Now tell me your e-mail id, your Aadhaar card number., your driving license number, your father’s name, your mother’s name, your aunt’s second cousin’s name, your High school English teacher’s name… your………

Me: Wait, why do you want to know my English teacher’s name? I don’t want you to find her. She tells everyone about the poor grades I had got in Spelling and Grammar!

He: Sorry about that sir….. I mean your poor grades in spelling and grammar. And I am sorry to inform you that as per our policy unless you give us these details, we can’t help you.
(After a pause) “And sir, we have a special package for you where you can learn English Spelling and grammar through our unique SMS based learning program. And you will get a degree from IIN too”.

Me:  (Gritting my teeth)Damn it!

Me again: Okay. Here is all the info you needed to identify me. (I tell him my e-mail id, my PAN number, my Aadhaar number etc etc.), "Now please solve my problem."

He: Sorry sir for the inconvenience you are facing with your mobile number.  I have registered your complaint and our back-end technical team will call you within 24 working hours to solve the problem.

Me: Wait! What’s this 24 working hours thingy? Do you mean that at the rate of 8 working hours per day, the 24 working hours are actually 3 days? Will it take so long for your technical team to contact me?

He (Perhaps grinning):  Sorry Sir. I am sorry to inform you that it may be longer than that. Because next two days are Saturday and Sunday- non-working days for us. Then Monday is a festival-holiday. The Tuesday is our General Manager’s  wife’s birthday, so all of us will be out buying gifts… Wednesday is again a festival-holiday, Thursday is India-Australia match, so a non-working day for us. Friday is as you know the Good Friday. Then Saturday……….

Me (screaming): This is madness. You mean to say that I will have to wait till next to next Thursday, a good 12 days from now before your 24 working hour period is over?

He: Sorry Sir, but we are not allowed to do any calculations about this. We are only allowed to tell you that our team will contact you within next 24 working hours.

Me: I demand to speak to your senior.

He: Okay sir, I will connect you to my senior now. Sorry again for the inconvenience you are facing.

Silence for a minute then a voice appears from the other side of the phone.

The Voice: How may I assist you sir?
(The voice seems familiar)
Me: Wait…. Are you not the same person I was talking to? See, I asked you to let me speak to your senior. Didn’t I?

The Voice: Yesssss Sir. But actually I have just been promoted. Looking at my splendid performance during this call, they have just now promoted me to a senior position . So technically and logically now I am the person you were trying to speak to.

Me(Giving up): Never mind.  Just give me a complaint number.

He: Sorry sir, but I can’t give you any complaint number now. The complaint number will be SMSed to your mobile number 98********.

Me: But that number isn’t working. I am not able to get any calls or sms on it. How will I see my complaint number then?

He: Sorry Sir, but I can’t give you the complaint number. As per our procedure the complaint number will be SMSed to 98******** only.

He (continuing): …Sorry for the inconvenience sir. But don’t worry, our technical team will call you on 98******** within 24 working hours.

Me (shocked): What did ya say? They will call me on 98********? But the number isn’t working. And that’s what all this is about!

He: Sorry to hear that your number 98******** isn’t working sir. But as per our policy, our team will contact you at your number 98******** only. So please be available when they call you at this number.

Me (Pulling my hair now): What the ****!

He: Sorry Sir??

Me (gaining composure): Okay, okay, enough. You don’t have to be sorry for the poor services you company is providing. See, this isn’t personal. I am just annoyed with the services I am getting from your company.

He: Sorry Sir. Sorry to note that.

Me (sympathetically): Why do you keep on saying sorry for every small and big thing? Please understand that your sorry doesn’t not help me. All I need is a resolution for the problem and not apologies from you.

He: Sorry Sir. Sorry to note that you do not want to hear sorry from us. Bur Sorry sir, we have been trained to tell you sorry again and again till you feel sorry for us. In fact I can say sorry in 30 different languages…. English, Kannada, Arabic, Bengali…. Which one do you prefer sir? And if you want to hear sorry in French, press ‘5’ the next time you call us, and press ‘6’ for hearing sorry in German.

Me (Banging my head on wall): I am sorry. I am really sorry that I made a  call to this Customer Care number……

He: Sorry sir to hear that you are feeling sorry. But as per our policy…………..

Me (Pulling my hair, tearing my clothes, banging my head on the wall, jumping on floor, all at the same time): #$%^&***&
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Sorry if this reminds you of any similar experience you had with the Customer Support.

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